Question: What happens when you combine an angry walker with an inattentive driver? Read on, dear friend...
When I used to leave the house as a teenager, my darling dad would always say, "Watch for cars!" Consequently, this advice has become a reflex.
This morning, as I was coming to the end of my daily walk, I found myself in the middle of a crosswalk with a white four door sedan baring down on me at 35 mph. The git driving it was fiddling with something and missed the large, bright red light that signals for all gits to stop so pedestrians can haul their husks safely across the street.
Now, here's a little known fact about me--unless you do actually know me in person: I can have one of the LOUDEST voices known to mankind. It's a genetic trait from my Mediterranean roots. The upside is: I never need a microphone. Rarely do I use my full vocal volume expanse...but when I do--tape the windows and break out the earplugs, honey, you're gonna need 'em.
The following is a transcript of my flirting, and ultimate triumph over the fates. What I said, I said for all people, everywhere who walk, who may walk, who have thought about walking, or who may have seen people who have walked:
Me: HEY! HEY! HEY! (Hitting the hood of her car as she grazed me--in fact, I don't have to shave my legs today because she got that close.)
She: (Stopping mid intersection, finally pulling her attention away from her phone/gum/scab she was picking..)
Me: WHAT THE PLANET ARE YOU FROM? HERE, THAT LIGHT MEANS "STOP" YOU GIT!!! YOU'RE DRIVING A 2 TON CAR AND I'M A PEDESTRIAN WALKING IN A CROSSWALK THAT YOU JUST DROVE THROUGH ILLEGALLY!!!
She: Rolling her eyes and looking exasperated, "Like, I'm sorry."
Me: NO YOU'RE NOT! YOU JUST SAID THE WORD "LIKE"...Is that because it's 'like' you're sorry, but you're really not? YOU JUST BROKE THE LAW AND ALMOST KILLED ME AND THIS OTHER WOMAN WHO WERE APPARENTLY TAKING OUR LIVES IN OUR HANDS BY ATTEMPTING TO CROSS THE STREET IN RELATIVE SAFETY! IS THE SAFETY OF PEOPLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN UPDATING YOUR FACEBOOK STATUS WHILE DRIVING???
The gathering crowd: "Yeah, you tell her!!"
Me: (Spurred on by the audience) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU'LL LOOK ON FACEBOOK WHEN YOU KILL SOMEONE WITH YOUR INATTENTIVE DRIVING AND YOUR STATUS READS, "Jail sucks. I don't look good in orange. Big Bertha next door just claimed me as her girlfriend. " WOULD YOU BE SORRY THEN? OR JUST 'LIKE' SORRY???
What can I say? It was not my most graceful hour.
Poor woman was just motoring along and I went all postal on her. She was probably just driving to work, or heading to volunteer at a homeless shelter, or going to visit her boyfriend at the penitentiary.
Whatever the reason, our paths crossed this morning, and I have to say, as I ended my diatribe, I could hear my darling dad in my head laughing and saying, "Watch for cars!"
Will do, Dad.