First of all, "friends." That is a strange word for most of the people I associate with on Facebook. Don't get me wrong, I truly do have wonderful friends on Facebook--some from the past, and some more present in my everyday life and I feel blessed to reconnect with them. Some very joyful reunions have taken place over status updates--and I'm grateful.
On the other hand, some "friends" (I'll admit) I know nothing about. Sometimes I can only associate them into a time period in my life by who our mutual friends are. My brother has an interesting question he asks himself before confirming any friend: Would I lend them $5000? Needless to say, to those he has deleted, you wouldn't want to pay his interest rate anyway, and to the few who have made the cut: Wow. Well done. You are among the chosen.
Just as I'm fairly convinced that there are only 12 facial types in all the world, (seriously, my brother looks like Eddie Murphy even though there is no way they are related) I'm equally convinced there are 12 Facebook types in well, all of Facebook.
These are the 12 common Facebook types of friends I have:
1. My life is so busy I can hardly get anything done! They sound like this, "I have so much to do! Little (insert child's name here) is (insert inane childhood activity here.) I wish I could get everything done, so I could spend more time with (child's name here) !!! Life is so stressful!" I'd like to comment sometime and say, "Yes. Life is busy. Perhaps you should get off of Facebook and then maybe, just maybe, you would get more done."
2. The complainer. Their post reads something like, "I haven't had a good night's sleep in fourteen years. I have the measles and the mumps, a gash and rash and purple bumps. I feel awful! It's horrible to feel so sick. I wish all of you would call/visit/shower your love and affection upon me until I get well..." which will be never.
3. The Pyramid seller. You know who you are, you wonderful Mary Kay, Avon, Amway, Melaleuca, Advocare, Lean Cuisine, Bare Minerals sellers. We love your entrepreneurial spirit-- but don't call me, I'll call you.
4. The new Mother/Father. "Here's our baby awake! Here's our baby asleep! Here's our baby rolling over! Here's our baby crawling! Here's our baby graduating from college!!" To this Facebook type: Don't stop. I love seeing your love for your babies--no matter their age.
5. The Sports Fan. To be honest, this is the most confusing Facebook type to someone like me, the non-sports fan. Their status updates read like the commands of a career military officer, or a really mean au pair, "Kick!" "Run!" "Faster!" "Touchdown!!!" To them I say, "To whom are you speaking? Don't boss me...I'm painting."
6. The Inspirationalist. I love these Facebook-ers. They are always ready with a transcendent quote, ("There's nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it!!!") a calm breath of positive energy and a lot of exclamation points...and it's usually in the morning.
7. The Stalker. The stalker is by far the most dangerous Facebook participant. They never comment, and they never post on Facebook, but they have no fear about approaching you in the store and asking you about whatever it was that you posted earlier in the week. It's only on rare occasions that can I recall something I may have posted, so their ramblings about my life seem like the ranting of a crazy person who needs a 24 psych eval and a thorazine drip.
8. The Political Soap-Boxer/ Pot Stir-er Yes, you read that correctly. They not only stand on their political soap boxes, but they often box on them too while stirring the pot--usually with people who disagree with their politics and who have no qualms about holding back about how they are right and you are wrong. Left or right, the political soap boxer has no idea that the Stalker is excitedly watching the train wreck play out and coming back for more with every divisive remark. (Insert heavy breathing here.)
9. The Status Update who takes the phrase 'Status Update' literally.
7:53 am: "I'm taking kids to school, then off to the gym!"
8:05 am "I'm at the gym!"
8:35 am "I'm done at the gym, now off to the shower and then onto the PTA meeting!"
Friend, three words: We. Don't. Care.
10. Captain Obvious. "I can't believe it's raining outside!" Wow. Thanks for the update. It changed my life.
11. The Funny One. This is my personal favorite. I have this one friend (whom I never even met in person) that is a friend of a friend from high school. She makes me laugh so hard I look forward to every post and even steal them sometimes too. Keep it up, Robyn. Anyone who makes others laugh makes the world a better place.
12. The Blogger. You know them. These are the people who only post when they've updated their blog. Seriously, friend, self-promote much?
Well, those are my 12 Facebook type of friends. Goodness, I hope no one is offended and deletes me. Oh well, I probably wouldn't have lent you 5000K anyway. I better run, I have to update my blog on Facebook...
What Facebook type are you? Be honest now...:)