And my answer is, yes friend, you do.
You see, moustaches are only worn by pedos, adult film stars, 70's news anchor men (and women), Eastern Idaho Police Chiefs, Pedro (Napoleon Dynamite's BFF) and sadistic evil tyrannical dictators. So knowing the signs of a moustache wearing man or woman, (far be it from me to participate in gender bias) gives you a fighting chance when approached by one of these people--because it's good to know who you're dealing with.
Of course there is an exception to every rule. The ONLY person, ever born of woman, who can rock a moustache is Mr.Tom Selleck. There is something about my 80's upbringing and the Saturday evenings gathered around the t.v. to drink in those dimples, that just makes me smile. Granted, his shorts were waaaayyyyyy too short as Magnum P.I. but at age 67, let me tell ya ladies, the man is still workin' it. I think it has to do with the fact that his moustache allows his dimples to peek out like two rays of sun.
If you aren't convinced, take a look:
That's right. Drink it in.
Ok, let's get back to it...
Besides Mr. Tom, there is no other human/gorilla/lunch lady who can carry off a moustache. If you don't believe me, let us examine the visual evidence:
Ok, I know I just bagged on Alex Trebek. He's a trivia GOD. I like Alex Trebek too--he's smart, funny and quick on his feet, who wouldn't want to be his friend? However, at best, his stache strains credibility.
Hitler. If there were ever a man who's facial hair dictated his entire personality for evil, it's him. I'm not saying that his stache was the reason he was completely vile, but let's not be fools, it certainly didn't help.
Geraldo. You want to me take you seriously....and yet...nope. Not gonna happen.
P.S. Lose the shades.
Prince. I want to like you and your raspberry beret, you know, the kind you find at the second hand store, but I'm so distracted with the weasel sitting on your upper lip that I just can't.
Saddam Hussein. His moustache was the lamest since Hitler's.
I heard that his mother had the same one.
Edgar Allen Poe. Appropriately creepy looking even without a stache, the author if such gripping tales as "The Telltale Heart", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue" and "Never Bet the Devil Your Head" looks even creepier with a dark, furry caterpillar perched upon his lip.
Oh Mr. Hogan! Just stop! Even though you could throw me across the ring with your gigantic man arms, that crazy yellow moustache would just make me laugh as I landed in the crowd.
And then there's this guy.
Actually, I guess if you must rock a moustache, this really would be the way to go.
So, know the signs, avoid the stache. Save your credibility.
If you had a moustache, what kind would it be?