Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Know the Signs: Utility Kilt

A utility kilt is a modern day man skirt made out of user friendly fabrics that one could get dirty and clean relatively easily.  Utility kilts also have a lot of pockets and even a place to hold a hammer.
They look like regular kilts, except they lack the pretension of a classic tartan.

Here are a couple of examples:


This utility kilt says, "I'm basically wearing a skirt
but I could totally take you in a bar fight."

This pic says, "I could still take you in a bar fight yet
 I have a softer side with my cat  lounging at my feet."


Kilts were first invented by the Scottish long, long ago because someone named, Hamish, was really drunk and thought it would be a good idea to traipse around in the cold so the wearer's legs and "man goods" could shrivel up like raisins.

This logic is equated only with the git who invented high heeled shoes (who, incidentally, was also drunk) because teetering around on 5 inch points a half inch wide typifies sanity.

Kilt wearers, in my experience, are pretty hardcore.  The first time I ever saw a man in a utility kilt I was in an IKEA picking out living room furniture.  Being somewhat shy, I jumped right in as he passed by and said, "Hey, sweet kilt."  I don't know about you, but I am one of those perpetually uncool people who talk to strangers unbidden, call things, "AWESOME!" and, at the ripe old age of 38, has basically turned into my mother who once walked around Puerto Rico, asking in high school Spanish with her southern accent, "DONDE ESTA LA CASA  DE PONCE DE LEON??"

So you see, I'm genetically wired to be uncool.

As Mr. Ikea-Utility-Kilt-Man looked up, I noticed the large tattoo he had on his face, and without thinking, said, "Great tat."  His eyes bored right into me and I (very nearly) blushed with shame for my boldness, but not before I uttered these words, "Did you do that yourself?"

Now here's little known fact about people with facial tattoos:  Unless the tattoo is tribal,  you're just some dude going down to Forever Ink on a Friday night.  And if you've chosen to permanently alter your face with a swastika, you've pretty much decided that your relationship with society at large is over.

For this reason, I relate utility kilts with facial tattoos, blonde man-pony tails, spiked dog collar necklaces and running really fast out of IKEA.

So, my advice?  Know the signs of the utility kilt, don't engage, and run for your life.

How do you rock the kilt?

23 comments:

  1. LOVE IT!
    I personally love the Utili-Kilt so much that I actually was dumb enough to make one for my husband . . . yup, only one. Never again. It is awesome but seeing as how I hate to iron I am not sure what possessed me.

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    Replies
    1. I'm just blown away that you can sew!!! WOW! I think about sewing and I start having a migraine!! ...and I totally get the whole non-ironing thing too...:)

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  2. It takes a very confident man to wear a kilt :)

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  3. Not sure if the guy needs to "confident" but bold comes to mind and able to look sideways through a mirror

    enjoyed the post

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  4. I was stunned by the Utility Kilt until you mentioned the face-tattoo man and the place least likely to find him - IKEA. That's just not the kind of man I would consider to have storage solution needs! :-)

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    Replies
    1. I know, right?? But apparently IKEA appeals to a wide range of kindreds, nations, tongues and peoples...and Nazis.

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  5. I love it!!! You are NOT your mother! You are so much better!
    Mom

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    Replies
    1. Nah!!! YOU are better!!! Only an awesome mother would let me rag on her accent with such wild abandon!
      Love you, Mom. xoxo

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  6. Oh lord! To borrow an overused expression, am LOLing! Man skirt. I do, do hope I don't see a utility skirt in the next few days, I don't want to guffaw at the guy.

    http://skaypisms.blogspot.com/

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    Replies
    1. uh-oh!! Now you've put it out there and you WILL!! Try not to laugh in his face, it makes them mad...and be sure to run run run away FAST! :)

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  7. Hmmmm, I think would feel super powerfu if I got myself a utility kilt for when I go housecleaning! Wait,are they only for men? Do I have to resort to a regular skirt?

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    Replies
    1. Nahhhhhh! I say liberate yourself and rock the kilt! You can do it, Andrea!! :)

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  8. I would think that perhaps this man rocking the utilikilt may have been more interested in the historic Hindu and Buddhist symbolism of the swastika and not the perverted symbolism on the swastika of 30 and 40's Germany. The pony tail does add something to that before the spiked dog collar smashes that thoery just as quickly.

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  9. I would think that perhaps this man rocking the utilikilt may have been more interested in the historic Hindu and Buddhist symbolism of the swastika and not the perverted symbolism on the swastika of 30 and 40's Germany. The pony tail does add something to that before the spiked dog collar smashes that thoery just as quickly.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's hard to take someone seriously who is wearing a dog collar...

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  10. Traci's fiancé will be wearing a traditional Scittich kilt in his clan colors for the wedding. I will let you know if he rocks it or not. I will tell you though, his tattoos are limited to his arms and not on his face. So there is that to be thankful for. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Shiloh just got himself a classic tartan. He totally rocks the kilt, even without the tattoos. Of course, I rock the tattoo, so we're covered...:)

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  13. Actually, I own several utility and casual Kilts. I'm sure as hell not a nazi . . you either do, or you don't. After wearing them out and about, including hiking, partying and traipsing around town, I prefer the (damned to iron) things, they're comfortable as hell even in chilly weather. Enough so that I plan on getting some full traditional kilts as well.

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