Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Run, Bundt Cake! Run!

I am shaped like a bundt cake.

If you are unfamiliar with what a bundt cake is, here is a picture:



I have always been shaped like a bundt cake, but my proportions increased as I had babies. My metabolism is as rapid as sedimentary rock, meaning, the continents shift faster than my fat does.
Don't get me wrong---I've got a lovely body.  All of it's movable parts, well, move.  It's chronically healthy, and in spite of my bundt cake backside, all of it's important numbers are in fighting shape because I've always enjoyed walking.

Then, quite by accident, I started running.*

*Running is a loose term for what I do.  It's more like jogging or walking fast, except with less speed--so that's what? Wogging? 


One morning about three weeks ago I forgot to drop off something at the school where I teach art.  Another volunteer had a class in fifteen minutes and all the materials were in the back of my car.  I was about mile from home.  So I ran (wogged) home to get the materials there on time.  


I felt great, but also like I was going to die.  Because how could I not?  My life long philosophy is to never run unless someone is chasing me, and to be honest, because I'm shaped like a bundt cake I can just go "limp noodle" and no one (besides Superman) could move my dead weight anyway.  A kidnapper would rupture a disc trying to load me into his big windowless white abductor van.  
And what kind of criminal wants a mouthy Greek as a hostage anyway? 
Take that, Snatcher-Man.    


Aaaaaannnnnyway, I haven't needed to run from Zombies since high school P.E.--(think about it, P.E. teachers=Zombies), and my patent-pending "limp noodle" technique has worked so well all this time to save me from kidnappers, so I've just been strolling along.


Until I ran home.


With the wind in my greys, I found freedom.  Freedom from zombies, freedom from kidnappers, and freedom to enjoy the out right mocking and laughter of others as I "run" by.  


Here is what I think I look like as I run:








Or better yet:








Here is what I really look like:


Wheeeeeeee!  I'm runningggggggg!!!

 
No, really.  That's me. 

O.k., that's not really me, that's courtesy of Pablo Picasso--because what kind of person puts a picture of themselves running up on the interwebs for all to behold??  What if I want to run for--oh, I don't know--President of the Galaxy or something, and my opponent uses the picture of me running in his negative television ads?


It would be Janet Jackson' half time Super Bowl fiasco all over again.    


But to all of you whom I run past every day:  I'm sorry, and you're welcome. 


I'm sorry because you have to see my bundt cake derriere jiggle past you like a bowl full of jelly that you don't eat and that's why your butt is so small and non-jiggly. 


"You're welcome," because seeing my wobbly bits jiggling instantly makes you feel better about your jiggly bits and hey, who doesn't want to feel good about their jiggly bits?  


You may be asking yourself, why don't you just run in a gym and then you wouldn't be on the streets for all to behold?

Um, yeah, no thanks.    


Gyms are the places where real zombies lurk trying to suck out your brains.  Think about it: what a better place than to gather up all those who can't run fast into one place and distract them with mirrors and steam so they can't get away when the attack begins.
  
I think I'll take my chances on the pavement. 


Oh, by the way, I'm running my first 5k on Saturday morning.  My goal is to finish by nightfall.   


How do you feel about running?  

30 comments:

  1. You go girl! I live with runners, the real kind. Some days, I kinda, sorta wanna run. And then I get on my bike and spin. With the Zombies.

    And I think my dear sister, the PE teacher, might take issue with your zombie comment. Oh, wait....

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  2. Oh, are you running the Balloon Stampede 5K?? I think that tall son of mine is also running :)

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  3. And my comment was not meant to say you are not the real kind of runner. Yikes! Just re-read that. I meant *I* am not a real runner :)

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    1. Um, no. YOU are correct!! I am NOT a real runner. I AM, however, a real SLOW JOGGER, and proud! :D xoxox "Wheeeee!!!! I'm runnningggggg!!!"

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  4. I'm still laughing about "wogging".
    Congrats on your first 5K. Or should I wait to congratulate you once it's over?

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    1. Thanks, Susan! I'm sure there will be paramedics standing by...

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  5. You will be FABULOUS on Saturday. You have great energy in all that you do. Remember, you walk a lot FASTER than most people run!! I know, because ou are my daughter!

    Have a great day!
    Love, Mom

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  6. This post had me laughing so hard. Thanks for brightening my day!

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    1. You're welcome! If you really want a laugh, you should see me run!

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  7. Too, too funny! :) And as someone who completely gets what you are saying (just substitute Italian for Greek, biking for running,) I wish you and your bundt cake shape good luck on Saturday! :)

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    1. Gracias! Wait, I mean, Grazie!

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  8. Well I have am some poor decisions about jogging with an inappropriate level of restraint system for the girls I place. Once I got that situation under control, I noticed one of my knees pleading with me to STOP with the impact and go back to the elliptical...ick, so to get even with my knee, I have chosen no organized exercise at all lately...boo his to me!

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    1. I hear ya, I think my knees are like, "Hey, Ladycakes!! What did we ever do to you but carry you from place to place? Why the torture???" ;)

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  9. I hate running...or exercise of any kind. Loved this post though...I didn't have to exercise anything but my funny bone...sorry :)

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  10. I need to run more. Maybe I'll take some inspiration from this post and do just that.

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    1. Wait until tomorrow--do I have the race for you that I just found out about this morning--you get to run away from REAL ZOMBIES!!! (Ok, they're actors, but still!!!)

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  11. I'm an occasional wogger. I'd wog more if the weather would cooperate. I can't dredge up the motivation to go out if it's too cold, too hot, or raining. Unfortunately, here, it's always doing one or more of those.

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  12. Oh my lord, this post was too funny. And that picture had me splattering the computer screen with my half chewed doughnut.

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    1. To me, it just says, "Wheeeeeee!!!! I'm runninnnnnnggggggg!" :)

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  13. As I gym instructor, I'll try not to take offense you think I'm a zombie :-)

    I love the term 'wogging' though. I might try using it, and see what reaction I get. Wog harder! lol

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    1. That comment only applied to MY gym teachers in high school...seriously, they really were zombies! No offense meant! :)

      I dare you to yell "WOG WOG children! WOG HARDER!!" :D

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  14. I ran a marathon about 30 years ago. Not sure that I would be game to run to the corner without a paramedic on standby now. I'm sure bundt cakes have wonderful personalities, and not having seen one before - they are incredibly good looking!! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I reckon wogging could be the next Olympic sport....so here's to more bundt cake. Best wishes.

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    1. Ooooo...wogging as an Olympic sport! I could see that--and I may actually be able to qualify...:)

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  15. Awesome Lisa! I loved this post and the pictures too. I found myself laughing out loud which I don't often do as I read things. Good for you on the running. I'll bet you are at least a cross between Wonderwoman and Picasso's scantily clad Spanish women if not better. Good luck on your race, I am sure you will do great! Can't wait to read the race report that you post!

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    1. ...That's assuming I'm not hospitalized. Thank you for having faith in my wogging abilities! ;)

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  16. So you've gone from NOT running to wogging to a 5K in the course of three weeks? That's pretty amazing.

    In my 20s, I used to run, a lot, every day... four miles or so. Now (in my 40s) I think about it, mostly. And do the wogging thing, every once in awhile. I was actually just thinking about it today... must be the weather. Like another commenter, maybe your post will be the impetus to my getting up and actually making it happen...

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    1. lol!! Sherilee, I've walked everyday of my life since I was 12. I do an 8 miler at one day a week and at least 4 miles a day the 5 days a week--so the leap to wogging wasn't much, just different. I WALK faster than I "run" so I don't know if it's really doing much good...:)

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