No, really. All of you who know me in person can hardly believe it, right?
I can hear you from here.
Today was a day like any other. I woke up and then went blind. Not blind blind, just kind of blind. It's happened a couple of times before and is usually followed by a killer migraine.
Before the pain in my head started, there was this 20 minute period where I was completely convinced that I had a tumor, a stroke, or retinal detachment--which, just for the record, I can barely type without having a panic attack, let alone actually experience--not that I have, but you get the idea.
Of course, I began to frantically text Mountain Man, because he's the one who pulls me back from the edge. If the plane goes down, or if the zombies attack or if Darth Vadar tries to use his evil mind tricks upon you, Mountain Man is the one you want with you.
Basically, Mountain Man is the calm in the storm.
Let me show it what I mean...
The texts read something like this:
Me: I'm freaking out. I can't see out of my right eye...limited vision. Like spots. Is it a tumor? Am I going blind? Help me!
Mountain Man: Migraine.
Me: How can you be sure? It's on on the right side, and my head doesn't hurt. I think it may be a stroke.
(After 30 seconds with no response.)
Me: I think it's a tumor. What if I go permanently blind??
(Thirty more seconds with no response.)
Me: I just googled my symptoms. Top picks from the Mayo Clinic are migraine, retinal detachment, ( I can't believe I wrote retinal, I think I'm going to puke.) Or stroke. What do you think??? Where are you??? Why haven't you texted me back??? I may only be able to TALK to you from now on, not TEXT...I may be going blind and then I would never SEE you again and have to sculpt your face like that girl from that Lionel Richie "Hello?" music video.* And I have a horrible memory. By the time I feel your face to sculpt it, I will have probably forgotten what you look like and I will have inadvertently sculpted Sponge Bob instead. Because even I go blind, I will NEVER be able to forget what Sponge Bob looks like. Then EVERY TIME I feel that dumb sculpture, I will think that's what you actually look like, and you don't want your wife to think that you look like Sponge Bob, OR Lionel Richie...SO TEXT ME BACK!!!
Mountain Man: Migraine. Not a stroke.
Me: YOU don't know about retinal detachment!!! What if my EYE falls out?? I can't have my eye fall out right now, I have stuff to do!
Mountain Man: Migraine.
Me: Stop being bossy! Stop being a broken migraine record! This is serious!! I may not be able to move the left side of my body in a minute. Or, two words: RETINAL DETACHMENT. Did you hear me? RETINAL, as in having to do with parts of the eye that if someone even talks about coming near, I pass out. Are you going to pick me up from the eye-doctor-man's floor when I pass out, huh??!! Are you???!!
Mountain Man: (No response.)
Mountain Man: (Two minutes later.) It's not a tumor, retinal detachment, or a stroke. It's a migraine. Go drink a Diet Coke and take some Exedrin.
(Twenty minutes later.)
Me: I think it's a migraine. My head hurts.
Mountain Man: See, it wasn't a tumor.
Me: Shut up. :)
Who is your "calm in the storm?"
*For your viewing pleasure...Hello? By Lionel Richie. Disclaimer: Sponge Bob does not appear in this video.
P.S. Is anyone else bothered by the fact that Lionel Richie seems to be stalking the poor woman in this video, and isn't she the same woman from Michael Jackson's, Thriller??