Friday, December 7, 2012

Cannibalism, an Editorial

As promised, today's post is by a very talented writer, my daughter, Straight Face. The following is her submission to her school newspaper of which she is Co-editor in Chief. 
I hope you enjoy!


Cannibalism: An editorial* 

Anthropophagy, or more commonly known as cannibalism, has been rampant for centuries.  Even today some cultures such as the Korowai and Melanesian tribes practice cannibalism. While a majority of people frown upon cannibalism they are only reflecting upon one aspect of this controversial issue. They see is as a heinous act, the desecration of a body. Though  a thorough analysis of cannibalism will prove that it is a viable alternative to traditional food.

As I was discussing the topic of my editorial with my parents they brought up the point that cannibalism is an excellent way to rid yourselves of unruly children. Some parents have been known to keep a continuous fire burning in case any children need to be skewered and roasted. Who knows? At one point I may have had an older sibling.

The population of Earth has grown vastly within the past century and continues to grow at a whopping 80 million people each year. We are similar to bunnies in that respect. Eventually we will have to move to another planet or take a less evolved course of action. Cannibalism, people. It’s the next frontier.

Approximately 56 million people die annually. The average dimensions of a grave are 8 feet by 4 feet and up to 12 feet in depth. To bury 56 million people requires a vast amount of space that is not always available.   Additionally, the cost of burying a dear one ranges between $20,000 and $100,000. This includes but is not limited to; purchasing the plot, casket, the mortician and the embalming process. Cannibalism decreases these costs drastically. If you plan to serve them up as a tasty entree, the only expense incurred are the seasonings you plan to use to flavor your deceased loved one. And maybe the gas to cook them… though I suppose you could consume them raw.

Some people may find the idea of eating a person quite perturbing. For those who are squeamish they should consider using the bodies as fertilizer on farms. This would provide bountiful harvests while sparing the stomachs of those who are morally discomforted by this proposal.

To eat or not to eat, that is the question.


* Disclaimer: I have no intention of consuming a human being anytime in the near or distant future. 

Question: How did you liven up your homework assignments when you were in school?

10 comments:

  1. An interesting idea, but I think I'll stick to consuming the other tasty critters out there.

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    1. Smart idea, Kellie...I couldn't agree more! ;)

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  2. THIS. IS. HILARIOUS! "...may have had an older sibling" Bwahahahaha! Love it!

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    1. She's a hoot! That's for sure!!!

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  3. thank you so much for having such a beautiful and talented daughter. And thank you so much for sharing this wonderful editorial.

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    1. Isn't she a doll?? :) She gets it from her dad! :D

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  4. Like mother, like daughter! Beautiful, hilarious (older-sibling line is my favorite, too!)and a good writer, to boot! Thanks for sharing!

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    1. I will pass that along, Elaine! xo!

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  5. A Modest Proposal indeed. Jonathan Swift would be proud.

    Well done!

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  6. ::applauds::

    Loved this; have Tweeted & Google Plussed it, as is right and proper.

    Some Dark Romantic

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